i am . . .

So, I saw this on Karla's blog, and I wanted to do it- I would like to note though that she got it from MJ, so I say thanks to MJ and Karla for letting me be a thief! (Yeah, I know you didn't really 'let' me but oh well!!)(And I know I don't technically know who MJ is, so Karla if you'd pass on my thanks I'd appreciate it!)

I added a few of my own (not that there wasn't already enough!) just for fun!

i am... a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, aunt, friend, cousin, secretary, basically, I'm me!
i live ... in the moment (which isn't always a good thing!)
i have... more than I will ever deserve.
i haven't... had enough children. I want more.
i need... to be a better person than I am.
i wish... I knew how to forgive myself.
i try ... to be a peacemaker.
i could... be any one's friend .
i couldn't ... love anyone more than I love Steve.
i fear... losing my family.
i want... to be in the Celestial Kingdom with my family.
i hear... song lyrics and music . . . all the time . . .
i will... hear one of my songs on the radio someday.
i read... to escape real life.
i like... the way an orchard looks just after snow has fallen.
i admire... people who don't have to try to be good (Janice, Jennifer, Emmy).
i admit... that I need to keep my house cleaner.
i search... people's reactions to me.
i think... people see the best in others and the worst in themselves.
i do ... absolutely love my job.
i don't... handle contention well. I don't like to be around it.
i regret... not being more like my sisters.
i love... so many things, I cannot even begin to name them here.
i ache ... for the will to be good.
i work ... to make a difference in other people's lives.
i help ... keep things running smoothly.
i pray ... to be able to see good in any situation.
i cry when... I'm feeling a very strong emotion.
i am not... a mean person.
i never... swear. Never have.
i always ... like to listen to music, even when I read.
i rarely... want to be alone.
i miss ... being in Chamber Choir at OHS. It was incredible!
i don't miss ... being single.
i get nervous ... when I'm around demanding Dr's (one in particular!).
i watch... for ways to make life around me better.
i hate... when people are mean, especially to little children.
i am confused ... at how Steve loves me so much.
i need...to know that I am loved (Steve is very good about this!).
i should... try harder to keep my house clean
i can ... write and compose my own music and lyrics
i can't... walk past someone asking for money without giving some
i will... do my very best to make my family happy
i won't ... intentionally hurt anyone
i feel... so blessed to be me.

and because I'm me . . .

i tag . . . Stace, Flee, and Emmy (you better actually do it this time Emmy!!)

Feelings . . .

So, do you ever get that feeling that you are just not good enough? And you never will be? Like every time you turn around you're hurting someone you love?

I'm having that feeling today.

I am not perfect. Obviously. I really wish I was. Or that I was closer to perfection than I am. Really, I wonder why I do some of the things I do, and I have no answer, even for myself. I'm really having one of those "I'll never be good enough" days. (And I know what you're thinking flee, but I am, and I can't do anything about it. I just really have to get this off my chest.)

I've hurt people before. I know I have. But not quite in the way I have recently. (I'd rather not say exactly what happened) I have no way of really saying sorry enough to these people that I've hurt. It just wouldn't seem adequate enough. And besides, saying sorry isn't going to change what I've done. I don't know why I did it. really. It's very much not like me- not like I was raised. I am really having issues with this whole bi-polar thing lately. I know I can't blame my mistakes on that, and I'm not trying to, but it really has thrown a wrench into my life. I just can't seem to get back to myself- the myself that I used to be, once upon a time. The myself that wouldn't have even dreamed of doing some of the things I've done. And right now, it's not looking like I'll ever get back to that self.

I'm really not having a good day- if you couldn't tell. I usually try to be optimistic, but I can't seem to find that in me today. So, I'll be done soon, let me just say this: To those who I have hurt- you know who you are. I really am so so sorry. Words cannot express what I'm feeling. I beg for your forgiveness, even though I know I don't deserve it, and ask you to pray for me. Pray that I will- someday- pull it together and get back to 'myself' again.

I love you.